Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
