Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
