I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
