Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
