oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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