I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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