I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
