Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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