he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
