THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
