Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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