Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
