By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
