it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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