you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
