You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
