Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
