The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
