6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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