Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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