He uses pillows to masturbate.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
