my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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