I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
