I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
