Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
