i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I think i peed on brittanys purse
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
