I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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