and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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