I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
