those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
