I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
