Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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