Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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