the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
