She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
