Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
