I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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