All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
