I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
