Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
