I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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