paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
you never un-have a 4some
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
