After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
