I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
