We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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