He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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