I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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