I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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