After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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