so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
