We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
