The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Please don't give away my fajitas
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
