Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
