shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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