the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
